Clasping At Chests

I’m so angry.
But, I’m not angry at you. I’m angry at myself.
I’m angry at myself for letting it get this far. I’m angry at myself for letting myself fall in love with you. I’m angry at myself, because I knew better. I’m angry at myself for taking your punishment this long. I’m angry at myself for still wanting you, when I shouldn’t.
I’m just so angry.
But, I’m also disappointed.
I’m not disappointed in you though. I’m disappointed in me.
I’m disappointed that I let you, someone undeserving, have me. I’m disappointed that I fell for a facade. I’m disappointed that I took you back when I shouldn’t have. I’m disappointed that I let you under my skin. I’m disappointed that I let you control me this long. I’m disappointed because I didn’t expect you to hurt me. I’m disappointed that I let you, over and over.
I want to be mad at you. I want to be disappointed in you.
Maybe I am, but the disbelief is directed at me, because I walked down this path.
I can’t blame you. This is who you are, and this is what you do.
And I saw that, and grew to know that, but still, I love you anyway.
I’m hurt, but I can’t say I’m hurt by you. I gave you this effect. I gave you this power.
Yes, your actions are unfavorable, but I’m hurt because I have trouble letting you go. I’m hurt because I can’t be with you. I’m hurt that I had to leave you. I’m hurt because you’re so wrong for me, but I can’t help that I miss you.
I’m hurting myself, and I let you hurt me.
I’m sad, but I’m saddened because I wish you were right for me. I’m sad because I wish you were someone you’re not. I’m sad because I wish you’d treat me the way you can’t. I’m sad because you don’t know how to love me, but I want you to love me anyway. I’m sad because I know I can’t ever let you again. I’m sad because I’ve felt you. I’m sad because you’ve touched me. I’m sad because I’d take it all back.
I’m sad because I regret you now.
I’m sad because I wish I’d never met you.
I’m ripping myself apart.
I wish I didn’t love you. I wish you’d left me. I wish I could forget you. I wish you’d never sought me out. I wish so many things.
I feel such a great sense of loss, but I left you, and I’ll probably never fully let you go.
I’m sad because loving you will never be enough. I’m angry because I cannot let myself come back. I’m disappointed because I’ll never trust you.
I wish we’d never met.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s